England's Amazing Cookbook
by karatemaster101
Summary: Hello. I am the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. I am here today to show you real cuisine in my self written and explained cookbook. Take that, you wine freak!
1. The Hard Boiled Egg

**First of all, I would like to say this, before we continue. I am utterly tired of people making fun of my cooking, or how my food is poisonous and will result in immediate death if consumed, the latter of which is utter poppycock. Really, exaggeration is one thing, but that is going too far.**

**Therefore, I will show the entire world how amazing English cuisine is! Starting with...the hard-boiled egg!**

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**Step one: **This is the most important step. If you mess up step one, you will not be able to do any of the other steps. That is obviously why this is step ONE.

Turn on the stove. If you have an electric one, just press the button, like this - *_ZAAAP!*_

All right, that was not supposed to happen...blasted modern technology. Ouch, that stung. Anyway, you want to turn on your stove just like that, minus the part where you hurt yourself. I meant to do that on purpose, to show you what not to do.

If you live in an older house and have a gas stove, turn on the gas first, then find a match. Afterwards, you light the match and hold it to the gas stove to ignite it and get a good fire.

***VERY LARGE EXPLOSION***

After emerging with a blackened face and finally putting out the fire in your kitchen, it will be imperative to realize that the correct way to turn on a gas stove is to light the flame before turning on the gas.

If you are just a plain old geezer and still cook your fire over the hearth, well, you need to go out and chop a bunch of trees down for firewood (make sure you've got a permit to chop down trees or something like that before you get fined by those bloody park rangers) or simply go out to your local store and buy a bag of firewood. Then, light the firewood - why is it not working? Maybe you'd need some newspapers or some lighter fluid - oh, bugger, I'm not even going to attempt this; I already have the electric stove over there and DEAR LORD THE GAS STOVE IS STILL ON!

So, you see, this is a very, very complicated process, and you will have to be careful. PEOPLE HAVE DIED DOING THIS!

Ahem...anyway...

**Step two: **Put the pot on the stove. It depends on how many eggs you want to boil. If you have one egg, use a small pot. If you have two eggs, use a slightly larger pot. If you have six dozen eggs, check your head and rethink why you even bought that many, and why you are trying to boil all of them at once.

If you have an electric pot, plug it in (but turn off the stove first; you won't need it! I know that much), just like this. Hold the rubber part, not the metal, with your forefinger and thumb, and slowly and carefully insert the metal parts into the electric outlet in the wall. Wait, why isn't it going in? It should fit! I bought a perfectly standard electric plug and wire - I should sue that guy who sold be this! Oh wait, it's facing the wrong way...

See, you may titter now, but this is a very difficult step - even a master like me can mess up sometimes. You want to make sure that the larger end of the plug corresponds to the larger end of the plug. Otherwise, the plug won't fit.

That being said, just plug in the electric stove and - _*ZAAAP!*_

BLASTED ELECTRONIC DEVICES!

**Step three**: Take the pot off the stove again - OUCH! Ow...I meant to do that! You should never hold onto a hot pot without protective gloves or else you'll burn yourself. Fill the pot up to the very top with water...no, it's not supposed to hiss and bubble like that...put the egg in, and close the lid - oh dear, it's too full. If you have too much water pour it out again.

Darn, dropped the egg. I should clean that up - ***crash***

Another thing about the kitchen is that you should clean up all spills immediately, whether water or a cracked egg. Shoot, now my clothes are all dirty.

**Step four: **fill the pot up with water again, this time not so much, and put the egg(s) in the water. Then, close the lid, and put the pot on the stove.

**Step five: **Wait for the water to boil.

**Step six:** Keep waiting.

**Step seven: **Make yourself some tea and read a book or five while waiting.

**Step eight:** Forget about the egg altogether.

**Step nine: **Smell smoke in the kitchen.

**Step ten: **Ignore it; since you are too engrossed in your 800th reread of Hamlet.

**Step eleven: **Realize that your eggs are burning.

**Step twelve: **Run to the kitchen to find that all the water in the pot has boiled over and the eggs have exploded.

**Step thirteen: **Feed the remains of your boiled egg to those odd, anime-obsessed girls that keep showing up at your house at the oddest of hours - my egg recipe is that good, see! Those girls are perfectly happy to eat it!

_Or, maybe they just like you. *wink* *wink*_

France! Get out of here, you wino! This is my show!

_But I want to show the beauty of the French cuisine! And MY beauty *wink* as well, of course._

Not in my house, you don't!

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**To my readers: I apologize that the boiled eggs did not turn out as you expected. I am extremely sorry that your eggs did not result perfectly boiled as promised.**

**However, you cannot blame me, because I don't know what France was and is thinking and I still cannot prevent him from barging into my house at the oddest of hours like those anime-obsessed girls. The recipe was perfectly fine, though, am I correct?**


	2. The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

**Once again, greetings to everyone. **

**I am very glad that my cookbook is becoming very popular as of late; however, I am slightly confused as to why people thought it was funny and why so many responses complimented me on my good sense of humour. While I do have a good sense of humour, thank you very much, I was not actually intending on this to be a joke book. It is a cook book, hence the title of the book, and is meant to be used for educational and informative purposes only.**

**Anyway, today is a perfectly new, never before thought of recipe. I have, by using my amazing knowledge of the culinary sciences, been able to create something amazing out of regular, everyday objects.**

**Please welcome my newest creation, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.**

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**Step one: **Preheat the oven to 175 degrees Celsius. That would be about 350 degrees Fahrenheit, if you are an American. Be careful, and make sure nothing isn't in the oven...wait...how'd those socks get in there? I need to get them out - OUCH!

I mean, Never reach into a hot oven. Always turn it off and let it cool first. Remove it of all foreign objects before turning it on.

**Step two: **Depending on -

_Step one: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit._

_Step two: spray a baking pan with nonstick spray, or line it with wax paper._

_Step three: Put the baking pan away or throw away the wax paper and turn off the oven - neither is needed._

_Step four: take two slices of bread and put peanut butter and jelly between it._

_Step five: Dumbass._

**Step two (continued): **You twit, how do you expect the audience to understand such vague instructions? As I was saying, before said stupid American interrupted me, depending on the type of bread you like, follow the separate recipe for baking it. Or, you can just run out to your local store and buy some.

**Step three:** As you can see, I have just finished baking the bread. It looks just as good as the store bought type.

_That's because it IS the store bought type. You burnt that last loaf._

Shut up. THEY don't need to know that. Anyway, take out two slices. No more, no less. Do not take out three, unless you are a fat person, *cough* *cough*. Four is right out; that is way more than you need; and do not take out only one, with the exception that you will then proceed to take out a second slice, or with the exception that you will cut it in half to create two separate pieces, or with the exception that you want to mess up your sandwich - it is completely up to you, though I highly discourage that option.

**Step four: **Take out the peanut butter (chunky, smooth, semi smooth - it doesn't matter). This is an especially difficult part; people mess it up all the time. You will need a knife - OW! Dammit...Not a dinner knife or a meat knife or an unnecessarily large butcher knife, but a regular butter knife - OW! How did I cut myself on that?

**Step four and a half: **Excuse me while I perform unnecessarily slow and meticulous first aid on myself.

Now that we have our peanut butter jar and our butter knife, we will proceed to open the jar. This is the easier part - OOF! - kind of - OOF! - bloody heck, these things are so difficult to open! Get out of here, America! I can do this by myself! OOF!

_Okay, dude, whatever._

*30 minutes later*

Hah! I got it open! See, it isn't that difficult.

_Okay...whatever you say, bud._

**Step four and three quarters: **Next, you take the butter knife, and you dip it, oh so carefully, into the peanut butter jar. You do not want to make a mess. After you have gotten a reasonable amount of peanut butter onto the knife, you spread it onto the first slice of bread. It is rather difficult, and I suggest practicing for a very long time before you can do it perfectly like I, who has also practiced for a very long time to perfect this process - OW! Does this butter knife hate me or something? And now I've got peanut butter all over my hands, too. How utterly disgusting.

See, even experts like me can screw this up.

**Step five: **Take out the jelly (or jam, or fruit preserves - whichever you prefer, and whatever flavour, it does not matter). This is an especially difficult part; people mess it up all the time. You will need the same butter knife - OW! America!

_But I didn't do anything!_

**Step five and a half: **Excuse me while I perform unnecessarily slow and meticulous first aid on myself (again.)

Now that we have our jelly jar and our butter knife, we will proceed to open the jar. This is the easier part - OOF! - kind of - OOF! - bloody heck, these things are so difficult to open! Get out of here, America! I can do this by myself! OOF!

_Okay, dude, whatever._

*30 minutes later*

Hah! I got it open! See, it isn't that difficult.

_Okay...whatever you say, bud._

**Step five and three quarters: **Next, you take the butter knife, and you dip it, oh so carefully, into the jelly jar. You do not want to make a mess. After you have gotten a reasonable amount of jelly onto the knife, you spread it onto the first slice of bread. It is rather difficult, and I suggest practicing for a very long time before you can do it perfectly like I, who has also practiced for a very long time to perfect this process - OW! Does this butter knife hate me or something? And now I've got jelly all over my hands, too. How utterly disgusting.

Does this sound like deja-vu to you or something?

**Step six: **This is the most dangerous part. I have hurt myself numerous times in trying to perfect this! Be careful - you must carefully watch and copy an expert while performing this. You pick up the slice with the peanut butter, and the slice with the jelly. Then! - this is the most important part! - Then! - you put them together! The jelly should touch the peanut butter and the slices of bread should be on the outside.

Peanut butter and jelly and bread in the same meal - isn't such a radical and delicious idea?

***random explosion from nowhere***

How very, very odd...the sandwich were not supposed to spontaneously combust upon impact...How the heck did this happen? Maybe I should get out the magic circle...why are you laughing, you wanker?

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**Just for the sake of saying so, the two slices were actually supposed to spontaneously combust into an odd, random, black lump! Yeah!...that was what was supposed to happen...**

**heh...**

**Er...**

**Oh! I almost misplaced this thought - if anyone has any good ideas on what I should teach to cook next, then by all means, please comment (or review, I guess, as the members of this web-site calls it). I accept anything from any culture. No hamburgers, cheeseburgers, or any type of burger, America!**


	3. An English Breakfast

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**Thank you to all of my wonderful supporters! I cannot believe how popular my cookbook is getting. In your face, France!**

**Also, I've received so many wonderful suggestions for my next few recipes...I'll start by combining several suggestions at once, in my own invention, the English Breakfast.**

**By the way, I refuse to make those disgusting hamburger things that America eats, and I don't want to make those stupid crepes either! That frog can go make them himself.**

* * *

The interesting thing about eggs is that you can cook them in about any way you want. Sunny side up, sunny side down, scrambled, in an omelette, et cetera.

A sunny side up is easy. **Step one:** Put a bit of oil in the pan (after you've lit the stove and the pan is hot) and shake it around to cover the entire bottom of the pan. Watch as I demonstrate - ouch!...that one's going to leave a mark. Hot cooking oil is very dangerous. It may be life threatening. People have given up their lives doing this!

**Step two**: Crack the egg. Some people crack it against the side of a bowl or the edge of a kitchen counter or use a spoon - I use the side of the pan.

After a trip to the emergency room, remember that you should never do such a thing, lest the pan tip over and splash your face with hot cooking oil.

Once you have cracked the egg, you may release its contents, minus the shell, of course, into the pan. Let it cook. While we are waiting, we shall make some toast.

**Step three:** Put some bread slices into the toaster. It's that simple. Then, set the dial to ten minutes, since you want really good toast.

**Step four: **While you are waiting for the bread to become toast, you can make some orange juice or lemonade. (Don't ask why it isn't orangeade or lemon juice - it just is that way.) If you want to make orange juice, use oranges. If you want to use lemon juice, use lemons.

_No shit._

Mind your f*cking language! Don't f*cking swear you f*cking...sorry.

Wait, what the hell? I thought I locked all the doors so I wouldn't be disturbed!

_There's something called picking locks, moron!_

Prussia, only YOU would do that. Whatever. Either way, cut your citrus fruit in half and - ouch - not again! Be careful when using knives. OW! All right, that really stung. Getting acidic substances in a wound is not the most pleasant experience.

_Sucker._

YOU shut up. Anyway, after this, you get out the juice maker thing and...hmph. I don't have one. I guess I'll have to use the blender instead. Anyway, you put the fruit in the blender, add some sugar and water, depending on how thin or sweet you want your juice to be, and press the start button. It's that simple. Oh, and plug in the blender first, since -ZAAAP! Does electricity hate me? Plug in the darned blender so it will actually start.

_Um, England..._

Don't interrupt; it's very rude! Anyway, once you press the button -SPLASH!- Oh, by the way, be sure to hold on to the lid. I guess I should have mentioned that as well. Let the blender do its work for some time, until the fruit actually mixes with the sugar and water and resembles something close to juice. Afterwards, you will get some delicious orange juice (or lemonade, if you prefer that.)

_Are you kidding me? That has got to me the most disgusting thing in the world! _

And how would you know?

_Besides the fact that you used salt, not sugar? Did you notice that you hit the wrong switch on the faucet and notice that you were using tap water, not drinking water? What about the fact that you didn't peel the fruit or clean the blender before using it?_

Shut up.

_England..._

WHAT?

_Your eggs and toast are on fire._

What do you...DEAR LORD, THE EGGS AND TOAST ARE ON FIRE!

_That's what I said._

This is all your fault, you know.

_That excuse was only good for World War I. _

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_

**So, I know the eggs are just a bit on the burnt side, and the toast got caught in the toaster, so it's a bit mangled, and the orange juice/lemonade came out a bit thick and salty, but it's still a delicious breakfast. Right? **

**By the way...for those of you who suggested stuff like Vietnamese food, Chinese food, Russian food, and pasta, be a bit more specific, please. What type of food, and what type of pasta? There are many different options and I would really appreciate knowing what you have in mind. That way, when I take - sorry, _politely borrow_ the recipes from said countries (why do you think Russia is last on the list?) I know what to ask for, rather than just saying, "Give - sorry, may I just borrow whatever you have?" **

**P.S. Why do these countries have to be improbable weapon users? I would rather not get hurt by a paddle, wok, or lead pipe. **

**P.P.S. Why are all of the fans so evil to me?**

**P.P.P.S. France, you can shut up.**


	4. Tea and Scones

**Before I begin, I would like to apologise to many of my fans with the fact that your cooking suggestions may be delayed (translation: "accidentally ignored" like a good Englishman would to things that do not interest him). The reason is that there are so many recipes, and an I can only do so much. **

**However, the more interesting your idea is, the more likely I will choose it to appear in the next publication. By the way, for the last time, NONE OF THOSE DISGUSTING HAMBURGER THINGS and absolutely NO FRENCH FOOD. I am sorry, but what I do is an art and I refuse to poison my readers with that disgusting junk that America calls food. French...well...you know how I feel. Ask France if you want to learn how to cook his stuff, thought I highly discourage it, because he is the idiot that eats snails and frogs in the first place.**

**By the way, scones were the most popular suggestion. Because it is very stereotypical, I have decided to some of my own bits and pieces to the recipe to liven it up a little.**

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**Step one: **We will start with the basic scone. First, you will need some flour, and baking soda, sugar, and salt. I don't know how much, so I'll just estimate because scone-making comes to someone like me naturally. In any event, combine all of these ingredients in a mixing bowl by mixing it well. You have to mix your scone powder very, very well.

_2 hours later_

How odd. I remembered putting more than a few crumbs of material in here - how did all of that end up around my kitchen? I wasn't mixing that hard - or maybe I was...for the last...Good god, has it really been two hours? Time sure flies when you are having fun!

**Step two: **You will have to cut the butter into your flour mixture. First, you have to get a pastry cutter, and mash the butter into the mixture until it resembles something like crumbs. If you can mash potatoes, you will be perfect at this.

_That doesn't look like crumbs at all._

Why does everyone like to disrupt my cooking? Oh, it's you, Austria.

_I'm just saying, the term is pastry BLENDER, not a pastry CUTTER, and 10 grams of baking powder is simply way too much._

Be quiet, I know what I am doing. I'm a master at this. So, now that it looks like crumbs, you can set it aside.

**Step three: **In a separate bowl, mix some cream into two eggs.

_I think you're supposed to beat the eggs, not leave the yolk whole like so._

Will you be quiet? I know what I'm doing!

_That's what Napoleon and Hitler said before invading Russia._

**Step four: **Ignore him. Anyway, stir the egg-cream mixture into the dry ingredients. This is where it gets fun. You can do whatever you want. Many people like dried currants in their scones, so I'll do that.

I don't have any dried currants. America ate them all.

_Use raisins...they're a good substitute for dried currants._

I think I'll use some dried raisins...they're a good substitute for dried currants after all.

I don't have raisins. America ate them all, too.

Let me see...I have cranberries, strawberries, lemons, blueberries, oranges, and almonds. Hmph. I guess these tomatoes will work as well, since Spain says they _are_ a fruit...I'll use them all, to get some really good flavor in it, as well as some pumpkin, since pumpkin scones really are delicious. I've never tried them, but they'll turn out pretty well, I bet, since I am making them.

_What the..._

So, pick an addition (or additions) of your choice and stir it into the dough - I wonder what scones will taste like with almonds and peanuts?

_Those are cashews. _

Whatever.

**Step five: **Pour the dough out onto a pan and squash it together into a single lump. If it doesn't hold together, add water, milk, or cream until it does. Actually, that doesn't make sense at all, since more liquid would make it fall apart. What we need is good, strong glue.

_You'll poison yourself! Plus, you have to butter the pan so the stuff doesn't stick to it!_

Ignore him.

_Wait! You can't eat glue! And that's not a pan for baking; that's a frying pan!_

Anyway, roll it out onto a pan and flatten it out into about a 2 millimeter thickness. Depending on whether you like triangular or circular scones, cut them into that shape (I prefer the traditional triangular ones.)

_Isn't it supposed to be 2 centimeters?_

**Step six:**Bake the scones at 200 degrees Celsius (that is about 500 degrees Fahrenheit for the Americans reading this) for fifteen minutes or until they turn brown. Meanwhile, you can make some tea to enjoy with your scones.

**Step seven:**To make tea, you don't just boil water and stick the tea bag in. That's not very good tea. You have to use good water; if you are using water from the tap, let it run for a few seconds before you actually measure it into a kettle. It actually helps if you pre-heat the kettle before you boil the water. Typically, the better your water, the better tasting your tea is. There are actually many ways to determine what type of water you should use. Anyway, you have to boil your water. Set the kettle on the stove, and turn the heat up all the way. Don't burn yourself - ouch... - like this. We know the water is boiling when you hear the steam whistling. Water boils at 100 degrees Celsius, or 212 degrees Fahrenheit. This water is taking an awfully long time to boil. I should read a book, or something. Did you know that France's grandfather was actually Gaul? Gaul is the same guy who scared the Roman Empire shitless at one point, until he was conquered, but before that, Gaul was one of the most fearsome barbaric tribes in all of Europe. They were even worse than the Germanic tribes. I don't know how things went from Gaul to that puny potlicker, so I think that their deoxyribonucleic acid was mutated somewhere along the road, or something. I bet Gaul is really ashamed of his grandson. Have you ever noticed that nations don't have parents, but they have grandparents and siblings? That's really weird. It's almost as if being a parent nation is a taboo or something. Anyway, as we are waiting for water to boil, I'll just ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and cheese on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on (Can you find the two things that don't belong? Ha! Have fun straining your eyes.) and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

Have you ever noticed how when you say or read the same words over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over rainbows and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over (Can you find another thing that doesn't belong? Nothing is like a good old game of I Spy!) and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again they seem to lose their meaning?

For those of you who just skipped over this part, you are very lazy people.

For those of you who cheated by using control+F (find) on your computer to figure out the random words that I randomly included in the unnecessary repetitions above, you can find my brothers sometime later today singing "Liar, liar" and actually trying to set your pants on fire.

For those of you who actually hurt your eyes trying to find the random words that I randomly included in the unnecessary repetitions above, congratulations and good luck on your next trip to the optometrist.

_I'm out of here._

Thank you. Now, as we were saying, we are going to make some tea and THE SCONES ARE ON FIRE!

* * *

**Are these not some of the most delicious scones you have ever tasted? They are a very good accompaniement to tea.**

**By the way, in the unnecessary repetitions above that I used for the sake of increasing my word count, there were three inconsistencies. If you actually found them, please say so for another free batch of my scones! **

**This is possibly the longest recipe I've ever written. Scones are a very special food and require special care, hence the reason why the recipe is so long. Ignore my statement about the unnecessary repetitions used for the sake of increasing my word count. (3,045 words; can you believe it?)**


	5. Udon

**Hello, everyone! I hope you enjoyed those delicious scones from last time - they were the best I've ever tasted, anyway.**

**This time, one of my lovely reviewers has actually sent me a food item, udon, with the recipe attached. I couldn't say no to that, because that extra effort certainly saved me the trouble of actually having to hunt down Japan for the recipe. (I guess I could have also gone to Google UK, but then again, you cannot really trust everything from the internet.)**

**Japan actually served me this before, and it was pretty good. I think. I kind of forgot all of those Japanese terms for food. Udon...is...**

**_Noodles, England-san._**

**Right. And my "assistant," Japan, will be helping today.**

_**...**_

**

* * *

**

**Step one:** Combine 1 and 1/2 cups of all purpose flour with the same amount of bread flour and a teaspoon of salt.

What? Why are we using the customary system? I took all that time to convert to the metric system! Fudge...okay...hmm...where the hell did I keep those old measuring cups? Ah, here they are. So, we combine the all purpose flour, bread flour, and salt...what happened? Oh, wait, we need a mixing bowl first! Ha...I did that on purpose! That's right, I did it on purpose so you would know what not to do.

**Step two: **Measure out one cup of water and add it to the dry ingredients. Right, got it! Wait, what's happening? Why is the dough so messed up and chunky?

Oh! You have to add the water SLOWLY...oh, well...I'll just start kneading it; it won't really make a difference because I'm the one making it anyway.

**Step two and a half:** If the dough starts breaking apart, add some more water, like so. Wait...why is it so mushy? Aw, crud...it says a LITTLE more water...whatever, I shall simply mush the water out. What the...now it's sticking to the wall...Whatever, it's fine!

_Apologies for being rude, but you do know that you could have just added a bit more flour to absorb the water._

Yeah...well...my way is better.

**Step three:** Once you finish kneading the dough, you put it in a plastic zip-loc bag and put that bag into another zip-loc bag. I recommend that you place the bags so that the zip on the inside one is on the side that is NOT the zip on the other one...wait, what? I don't get it.

_Here, let me do it._

Oh...sure, thank you...I guess.

**Step four: **Step on the bags for fifteen minutes.

_Wait! You have to take off your shoes first!_

Oh, right. Thank you.

So, you step on the bags for fifteen minutes and...umm...make sure they don't explode. Japan? Japan, where are you?

_Umm...ah, England? Sorry for leaving like this, but I am a bit busy. Maybe next time. South Korea and North Korea are beating each other up again, and I need to make sure to barricade my...doors and windows!...so...you know...they don't destroy my house if it gets caught in crossfire for some reason. Yes, that is it._

Ah, I understand. Wait, but you aren't even between North and South Korea! Japan! Japan?

Hmmph. Has he buggered off? So he has...he's scarpered, then! Oh, well.

**Step five: **After you clean up the mess, you can put the bags in the refrigerator for three hours.

Tell you what, three hours is a very long time. I guess I'll stick the bags in the freezer, to make things go by more quickly.

***Jeopardy theme song* **Hold on, why is that annoying song from America's game show thing playing? That's really getting on my nerves. Turn it off, right this instant, or I'll...

***Annoying theme song slowly desists in an off-key record-stop as England broods for a few hours in silence***

Thank you. Now that it has been quite some time, we shall remove the dough from the refrigerator, and...where did it go? I could have sworn it was in the refrigerator! The recipe even says put it in the refrigerator! Ow! What idiot left the freezer door open? And why is the dough in the freezer? FLYING MINT BUNNY!

_Hi, England!_

Did you see who put the dough in the freezer?

_I think it was you! Hee hee hee!_

Oh.

**Step six: **Cut the dough in half - Oh bugger, the bag is very cold! Ouch! The knife slipped...again! Do knives hate me?

Right. You have to take the dough out of the bag first. Silly me.

Oh, and you have to cover the knife and counter and rolling pin in flour so that the dough does not stick. Observe, as I - OUCH! - once again, cut myself with a very sharp knife. Anyway, now that you have done so, roll the dough out so that it is 1/16 of an inch - what is with all of these customary units? I converted to the metric system ages ago! In any event, cut the dough in half roll the dough out to the width of a few millimeters, I guess...let me get the ruler...

Now, we can start cutting rolling out the dough.

_CCC-CCCRR-RRR-AA-AA-CC-CCCKK-KK_

And, the dough is frozen.

***Some time later***

Right, now that the dough has thawed out, we can cut it in half and roll it out. Hah! See? The knife does not hate me this time! Crud...now it's sticking somewhat terribly...OH! Drat...you have to cover the DOUGH with more flour, not the knife...silly me.

Anyway, you roll the dough out to the width of a few millimeters...hmm...how are you supposed to make noodles now? Do we...let's see...Oh! The THICKNESS is a few millimeters. Right, so we roll it out like a sheet of paper, fold into thirds, and press down - oops, we do NOT press down...

***Some more time later***

Now that we have made the noodles, we must cook them! Wait, where did my finger go? And what is with all of this tomato juice - GOOD GOD, MY FINGER IS BLEEDING! MY FINGER! CALL 999 - not 911 like you American buggers, 999! The UK version!

**Step seven: **After a short trip to the emergency room, I am back to help you cook the raw udon. So, we boil water and cook for two minutes. Only beginners need timers; I can do this without one.

***Substantially longer than two minutes later***

GOOD GOD! THE UDON IS BURNING...

**Step eight: **Drain the noodles, rinse them, and stir with your hands. Place the cooked noodles into bowls and cover with broth - what broth? Oh, NOW you tell me that I should have begun this step right after putting the udon in the refrigerator. Well, you know what? I lost a finger, burnt myself several times, trashed my kitchen, hurt my head, blah blah blah...etc... AND THEN YOU TELL ME SOMETHING THAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE BEGINNING AT THE VERY END!

* * *

**Huzzah. I was almost done and then after that, I let Flying Mint Bunny and his friends take over. Hmph.**

**It's not that I didn't know how to make it...it was because I was busy and I had...err...paperwork! Yes, that's it, paperwork! I needed to do paperwork. Plus, there's a royal family marriage coming up, so I'll be a bit busy as well.**

**Anyhow, next, karatemaster, whoever she is, has asked Vietnam to teach me how to make phở, which is pronounced "fuh?" (F with a short "u" sound, and you say it like you're asking a question.) At least, that's what it sounded like when Vietnam told me how to say it. So, Vietnam will make an appearance in the next one assisting me in making pho.**

**

* * *

***In Asia*

"Vietnam, aru! Why did you agree to teach him how to cook? It's a hopeless cause!"

"I'm a good cook; I'm sure I can take it. Admit it, you're just jealous because he thought Vietnamese food was tastier than Chinese food!"

"I'm not jealous; just a bit pissed, aru. But that's not the point, aru! You'll get yourself killed, aru! Why do you think Russia and I refused to teach him anything related to food, aru?"

"Maybe because he didn't ask?"

"You'll regret this, aru."

"Well, it will be worth it watching him fail. I heard it's pretty funny."

"Whatever, aru."

"Chời đất ơi, that 'aru' thing is getting VERY annoying."


	6. Pho

****

****

For some reason, the first time I uploaded this chapter, the preview paragraph was omitted, so I thought that I should reupload the following because it is incredibly important and imperative to the following recipe.

**Right, sorry for the slow update. I was very busy with paperwork and stopping crazy Americans from breaking into my house and insulting my cooking. Anyway, Vietnam will be assisting me today with making pho.**

_You mean I will be making sure you don't kill yourself._

What was that?

_I SAID THAT I WILL BE MAKING SURE YOU DON'T KILL YOURSELF._

**...Well, of all the nerve! Why would kill myself?**

******

* * *

**

_I will be talking in English because I don't think very many people here understand Vietnamese. Also, I think that it will be very annoying to be reading all English and then some foreign term somehow slips into there and you don't know what it means, forcing you to either go on a very unreliable online translator or to scroll to the bottom in hopes of provided translations and then to scroll back up again, having forgotten where your spot was._

_So, I'll be teaching how to cook Vietnamese pho in English. Yay._

**Step one: **Hey, I'll be cooking too! Anyway, hmm...first step is to boil water. So, you fill the pot with water, and you -

_Remember to use about 1.5 liters of water. Use a large enough pot, so you don't boil over and somehow kill your electrical circuits because of the water._

I know that! Ahem...so, 1.5 liters of water, let it boil...blah blah blah...

_Use good water, not tap water! Stop! Hey - _

*SMACK* Ouch! What was that for?

_Listen to me, will you? You're using cheap spigot water, which is worse than tap water, and probably tastes bad. At least used filtered water._

Oh, I'm sorRY, everyone makes mistakes, you know. So, we boil the water, and I will remember to put the lid on this time. See?

_The lid is tilted. Fix it._

Ugh. You're so bossy - Why is that paddle thing in here?...

**Step two: **Now, you add the meat. What type of meat is this, anyway?

_Here, we are using oxtail and brisket._

Whatever that is...Anyway, we add the oxtail and brisket, and bring to a boil. Once it boils, reduce it to a simmer.

*time passes*

_England, it's boiling! Pay attention. I said it's boiling already, so now you have to reduce to a simmer. England!_

*SMACK* Owwwww! What was that for?

_I don't know, you tell me._

**Step three: **Let the noodles simmer for a few hours. During the final hour, add the onion, cloves, seasonings, ginger, pepper, sugar, and salt. Let it simmer for another half an hour. Keep letting the broth simmer. This should be a total of four hours, after which the oxtail should be nice and tender. By the way - OUCH!

_Did you just grab the obviously hot side of the pot without putting on gloves?_

No, my hands just slipped and brushed against the sides of the pot by accident.

_Mmmm-hmmm..._

So, then you add the thin tripe slices.

_These cook quickly, so you can just let them cook for a pretty short time. _

I know that!

**Step four: **While that is cooking, you can boil another pot of water and add one package of the rice noodles. Boil until they are soft. It's like making pasta, but with rice noodles instead of wheat noodles.

_Congratulations, England, you can read a recipe from a paper. Now how about demonstrating for everyone to show that you can do that?_

I can! Watch - *WHACK*

_Do you really think that an entire package of noodles will fit in a pot that small?_

I was moving this pot so that I could get the bigger pot underneath!

_The bigger pot underneath is still too small. You need a very large pot._

Ugh. All right. We have added a NECESSARY AMOUNT OF PURIFIED WATER to a NECESSARILY LARGE POT and we are ALLOWING IT TO BOIL.

NOW THAT THE WATER IS BOILING, WE SHALL ADD THE PHO NOODLES TO IT AND WE SHALL LET IT BOIL UNTIL IT IS FULLY COOKED.

NOW THAT TIME HAS PASSED AND THE NOODLES ARE FULLY COOKED, WE SHALL TURN OFF THE HEAT, LIKE SO. THAT WAY, THE WATER DOES NOT BOIL OVER AND THE PHO NOODLES DO NOT OVERCOOK. I AM WEARING KITCHEN GLOVES, AS SO I DO NOT BURN MYSELF.

I HAVE TURNED OFF THE HEAT SUCCESSFULLY AND I HAVE DRAINED THE NOODLES INTO A LARGE CORIANDER, SO THAT THE WATER CAN BE DISPOSED WITHOUT DISPOSING THE NOODLES AS WELL.

_Will you stop talking in capital letters and dictating all of your actions? So much for subtlety._

IGNORING HER, WE SHALL THEN PROCEED TO THE NEXT STEP.

**Step five:** _I think that since England knows so much about cooking already, and does not need to have me around to help him prepare the ingredients or remind him to pay attention to boiling water and to not burn his food or himself, it will not hurt to leave him alone for the remainder of the time. I am certain that even without my help, he shall not burn his house down. Good bye._

For once, Vietnam wasn't being sarcastic.

_?..._

Now that she has left, we shall taste the broth that I was cooking ALL BY MYSELF before, and see if it tastes right. Perfect. Actually, it's a bit bland, so I'll add some more pepper and...hmmm...buillon cubes ought to do the trick. I guess more sugar and salt would not hurt, either, so I'll add that. Umm...oh! Why is the cilantro here? And the green onions? They should already be in the pot. I remember Vietnam said something about chopping them up later and putting them into the soup, but I think that we should put them in now, or else they'll be raw. And you're not supposed to eat raw food, right? So, in you go. I'll be boiling them again in just a second.

**Step six: **Oh, dear, the recipe was gone along with Vietnam. Why does she need it, anyway? She already knows how to make it. She wrote it down from memory. Unless, maybe, she doesn't know. Oh, well.

So, I guess I'll just add the noodles to the broth then? I shall boil it again. The noodles are kind of sticking together, so I'll add some oil like the Italys always say when noodles stick together. Rice noodles are exactly the same as wheat noodles, so it doesn't matter.

How odd, I don't have any olive oil. I guess I will have to use a different type of oil, then.

**Step seven: **After quite a few hours of searching, I have found a jar of oil in my garage. Why it was in my garage, I do not know, but oil is oil, so I shall place it in the soup.

Unfortunately, quite a bit of it has boiled over, so I guess I should turn off the heat here - ouch! I didn't even touch anything yet! ****!

So, a little oil should do the trick - why is it all black? How odd...

**The End (for now...until England gets out of the hospital...AGAIN...)**

* * *

**America: OH MY GOD! Vietnam, are you okay? Please tell me you're okay! The hero can never leave a damsel in distress like this - **

***WHACK!***

**Oww...**

**Vietnam: What are you talking about?**

**America: Weren't you supposed to be helping England cook? His house is like charcoal now! I have no idea what happened.**

**Vietnam: I left in the middle of the lesson. He was being very rude, egotistical, and was acting just like you.**

**America: Sounds like England...Wait, WHAT?**


	7. Plum Pudding

**Once again, I truly apologise for the late update. Unfortunately, while creating the last recipe, my stove, for some odd reason unknown to me, exploded unexpectedly, therefore demolishing my entire house and annihilating everything within a five-kilometer radius of it. Luckily, no one was injured or hurt, as everyone within a ten-kilometer radius had already gone on vacation, while all of the plants and animals in the metropolis had simultaneously migrated or gone into hibernation weeks before, when I ****first began my cooking project. **

**But, all miscellaneous details aside, I have ****prepared a new delicacy for all today – probably the epitome of holiday cuisine, the plum pudding. This is the traditional way, not the modern way, so I suggest you watch out for any archaic vocabulary, as that is more deadly and difficult than any other cooking step you will ever find.**

* * *

**Step one: **First, you will need some suet. Skin the suet and chop it finely.

_Wait, with a knife?_

Yes, with a knife! What else would you chop things up with?

_I don't know, but I don't think you should be using knives!_

Why the hell not?

_Well…uh…never mind._

Whatever you say. _WHACK – _GAAAAH!

_I told you so._

What do you mean you "told me so"? Wait, how did you get into my house?

_I walked through the front door...America told me your house exploded, and I just want to check to see if you were fine._

That idiot can never learn to keep his mouth shut, can he? Oh well, I suppose you may stay…wait, who are you?

_I'm Canada…_

**Step two: **Next, clean your fruit – that is, raisins, currants, candied peel, lemon, sultanas, and anything else you want. I suppose I'll just throw a banana and an apple in there, too. Oh, and plums! It isn't a plum pudding without plums, you know.

_Wait…but plum pudding doesn't really have plums…_

Did you hear something?

_I said…_

My ears must be messing with me. Anyway, stone the raisins, shred and chop some candied peel, and peel and chop the lemon rind.

What the heck is stoning raisins anyway? I suppose one must stone them…here…I should take them outside, to avoid breaking anything.

_Wait…it means you're supposed to remove the seeds…wait!_

I suppose, when one has raisins, one must use small rocks to stone them, like so! OUCH! I dropped one on my foot there…ouch…

In any event, scrape the remains of the raisins off the ground and the bottom of the rocks with a spoon or a scraper of some sort, and bring it back into your kitchen with the rest of your assorted fruits.

**Step three: **Afterwards, combine all of your dry ingredients in a bowl and mix it well. That means your flour, breadcrumbs, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, chopped suet, fruits (make sure you dry your fruit first, or it won't be the "dry ingredients"), and a pinch of salt. Mix them very well. By mixing them well, I mean making sure that all the ingredients are evenly distributed.

_England, wait! That's baking SODA. And y__ou're splashing all of the flour and stuff out…_

I swear, there's a ton of whispering going on here. Maybe America is trying to sneak into my house again…that bugger…

**Step four: **Afterwards, add four eggs, one at a time. So, here comes the first egg, then the second egg, then the third, and the last.

_England…You have to crack open the eggs…and you're supposed to stir while doing so…now there__ are eggshells in your pudding…_

Why do I hear continual noise? It's getting very annoying.

**Step five: **Add milk to the mixture. One liter ought to be good enough. After all, one must add enough to produce a medium consistency. Now that the mixture is nice and watery, one may add some brandy and the strained juice of a lemon. Work everything so that the ingredients are well blended. I guess I shall simply clean up that messy splatter on my counter and the opposite wall….later…

**Step six: **Put the mixture into a floured pudding cloth. Try to get it to round up, which may be difficult, given that the mixture is of a liquid-like consistency. *splat* Oh, dear. *splosh* I should – SLIP – SMASH – CRACK!

Ouch…that has got to leave a mark…

**Step seven: **Boil the plum pudding for about four hours. I shall set the timer so that I do not forget, because four hours is a rather long time.

**Step eight: **Work on your Christmas cards, before you forget them. If you DO forget them, your in-laws will never forgive you.

*2 hours later*

I'm finally done with them. I don't think I forgot anyone.

_What about me….? _

Who are you?

**Step nine: **Well, I've got about two hours left; I think I'll go shopping for Christmas gifts. It shouldn't be too difficult; I'll just get a gift card for everyone and stick my name on it. It's not like I care. Gift cards are when you want to send something to be polite but actually don't give a shit. Ha. Ha.

**Step ten: **Right. All of the gift cards are in the basket. I guess I should get some candy, too, while I'm at it. Oh! And I almost forgot! I need some more frogspawn…for…scientific purposes. And – ooh – a sale on sweaters. I should get some more, you know, for myself. Every man needs a few good sweaters. It's not that I'm girly or that I like clothes or anything! It's so I have some extra stuff in case of an emergency…such as when some annoying relative *cough* *cough* like Scotland *cough* *cough* gives you the ugliest sweater in the world as a present and forces you to wear it. These would be a good excuse for having too many already. Then again…he'll probably bring out a kilt. I should get some kilts for an excuse…then again…that might not be a good idea as France and America will attempt to raid my house a few times…Maybe a lighter and some bear traps will keep Scotland out of my house. After all, he will probably do the same to his own little house somewhere up there. And some bricks to make a wall between Ireland and me. Barbed wire – 75% off? That's a pretty good deal. It should suffice. And sound-blocking earmuffs, in case that stupid American git or that annoying brat comes by…or if Wales just wants to complain again.

_*5 hours later*_

Well, I got everything done. There's just something nagging the back of my mind…like I forgot something…

* * *

**I hoped you really liked this chapter. I worked extra hard on this recipe. **

**Anyway, my plum pudding turned out perfect! See, it's perfectly round, with a branch of holly stuck in the top (I have to use a plastic one because holly is actually poisonous.) **

**France: What the…it actually tastes good!**

* * *

***later***

**America: WHAT?**

**Canada: I didn't have the heart to tell him that I just went out and bought one from the store while his own thing was dying…the pudding ended up a sopping, watery, burnt mess…but don't…**

**America: FRANCE! ENGLAND GAVE YOU A FAKE, STORE-BOUGHT ONE!**

**Canada: …tell him…**


	8. An Annoying, NonChapter Notice

******NOTE FROM THE COMPLETELY AMAZING, AWESOME AUTHORESS WHO WAS A GENIUS IN COMING UP WITH THIS******

**I'm really just a very crazy person with a weird sense of humor, which in the end, really helped. Sweet. This was probably my most sucessful story ever.**

**All right, I admit it. I was high on chocolate when I thought of this.**

**Mmmmm. Chocolatey goodness. HYPER HYPER HYPER HYPER oooh~ crack. *sniff* ... ! **

**Anyway, this will be the LAST CHAPTER! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!**

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**Congratulations! You have patiently scrolled down instead of jumping to conclusions. Anyway, it's the last chapter for NOW. Got it? For NOW.**

**Meaning, I'll probably have a series of rather slow updates. Maybe once every two or three weeks. Or maybe twice a week. It depends. Heck, it's winter break. (If you're Australian, like my cousins, it's summer break.)**

**Why? Because I have a really weird vacation schedule. Sometimes, nothing will happen, so I will be very bored and I will write. Or play Bejeweled Blitz for a few hours straight on Facebook. It depends on how lazy I feel.**

**Other times, I will be on vacation, going to Six Flags, paintballing, the movies, the Grand Canyon, whatever. In other words, I will have irregular updates because I'm off having the time of my life while all you readers are at home, stuck in front of the computer. **

**Yes. I am a jerk. At least I can admit it *cough* UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE! *cough cough* *****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cheese cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough rainbows cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK ****cough cough cough HACK***

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************Stupid flu season. Cheese and rainbows.**

**Where was I? Oh yes. Ha ha.**

**Keep up the reviews and reading and whatever the heck you do anyway. It will be more convincing to me, should I have to choose between Bejeweled Blitz and Fanfiction. Ha ha ha ha.**

**I've got a messed up sense of humor, haven't I? **

**Ooh! Let's see how many people review to THIS chapter. I'm not even writing a story, so I want to see how many people reply going "You are so rude! That's not funny at all! Don't you realize that I am one of those people whose families are heavily affected by the recession and cannot go on vacation this year? And here you are, making fun of us like this. I know it is just a joke, but try to find a less offensive form of humor."**

**I will even accept a "ur sooo asdfhliuwehfksld thats not fnuy stoopid ff freek go die in a hole b!7ch :P"**

**Trolls are hilarious. They seriously make my day. Next time you see a troll, don't complain, but rather, feel better because that means there are more people in the world who are more pathetic than you are; that is, people who cannot even spell, type properly, use basic grammar, or present their ideas in a conclusive, rational manner with plenty of details and evidence to back their opinions up.**

**Ha. Ha.**

**Just kidding. I love you guys. In a non-creepy-stalkerish type of way.**


	9. Pulla

**Once again, I am here too cook for everyone. **

**This is not exactly a dish pertaining to the holidays, but it will work for just about any holiday, or even a simple dinner. **

**In other word, they are called buns, or rolls, I guess. I'm not exactly sure which because Finland gave me this recipe and called it "pulla".**

**I tried asking Finland to help, but he said he was busy. Last time I saw him, he was wrapping gifts. I never knew he had THAT many relatives. And why is he wearing a Santa hat? Still, he said he'd come by later, and that I should wait for him. However, my readers are waiting, so I guess I will simply have to begin without him.**

**

* * *

**

**Step one: **Crumble 25 grams of yeast into 212 decilitres of lukewarm milk and mix until it is smooth and even. You should use a wooden fork.

Actually, the only wooden fork I have is this tiny one that I had when I was still a little kid. After all, that was the only time when people used wooden forks. Everyone uses silver and metals nowadays.

**Step two: **Beat one egg, 34 decilitres of sugar, 34 teaspoons - there go the customary units again! of salt, 12 teaspoons of cardamon (whatever the heck that is) and most of your 67 decilitres of flour.

OHHH! Cardamom! I so knew that. Stupid typing errors.

Use an electric mixer. This time, I will not give myself an electric shock. *click* See? I told you that I wouldn't. Karatemaster101 thought that joke was getting a bit old. I don't understand why it is a joke, but, oh well.

**Step three: **Continue to add some more flour while kneading the dough by hand or by the mixer. Gee, that's a lot of flour.

**Step four: **Add 75 grams of margarine and knead the dough to a soft ball.

Gee, this is actually quite stress relieving. It's a bit...dry, though. Oh, well. Whatever.

**Step five: **Cover the dough with a cloth and let it rise in a warm place for about an hour. I'll simply fill the basin with warm water, place the dough in a mixing bowl, and let it sit.

*one hour later*

GOOD GOD! WHAT HAPPENED! My entire kitchen...it's been engulfed in dough...What...the...

*some time later*

Well, now that I've cleaned up this mess, I will throw my computer out the window as it was so stupid to not be able to read punctuation. 34 is very different from 3/4.

However, everything should be fine. I suppose that something small like that will not affect the cooking of the actual product at all.

**Step six: **These buns are so plain. I should add some fruits and nuts to liven it up. Wait...you must ask Finland first...Oh, well, who cares. Apple, plum, and apricot puree...and raisins, almonds, honey, and marzipan...I guess I should just use all of them.

**Step seven: **Next, you need an egg and some hailed sugar.

What is hailed sugar? Why, sugar that has been hailed...I think. It is like stoned raisins, from the last chapter, probably. Why, it is hailing outside. That is good. I should just put the bag of sugar outside and let it be hailed. I suppose that I should open the bag so the sugar is hailed, and not not the bag.

**Step eight: **Cover a table with flour and knead the dough again. Wait for it to solidify. Well, it's already crumbly; I suppose that counts as solid. Next, shape the dough into several buns. Five hundred ought to be enough. Put the buns on a baking paper thing and cover with a cloth and let it rise again...This is a bit time consuming...hmmph.

**Step nine: **Glaze the buns with egg yolk and sprinkle hailed sugar on the top. One egg for five hundred buns? This will be difficult, but I am sure that it will work. And here comes the hailed sugar! It's a bit cold and wet, but I'm sure that it will work.

**Step ten: **Bake the buns in the middle of your oven at 225 degrees Celsius. I suppose I will simply have to make them all fit. I don't have room in this oven, but I do have a larger one in the basement that was used for blasting iron. That should not be a problem, except that I have to fit all of these buns in here. Unicorn, help me stuff all of this dough in here! All right, here we go!

* * *

**Finland: Okay, England, I'm here! Why does your house look like it's been bombed? England! England? **


	10. English Trifle

****

My dearest apologies for the slow update...I was rather caught up with Christmas, getting drunk, hangovers...I mean, behaving in a gentlemanly manner to all of the civil guests at my lovely, perfectly planned party with a tree bigger than America's.

*Sob*...

Where was I? Oh, right. Actually, at the party (*sob*) we had some absolutely delicious English trifle...I thought that those of you who were busy enjoying the holidays with your own families should not have to miss out on something like this.

**I've also locked all of my extra doors and windows so I won't be disturbed. I've placed four locks on each door and window and I locked every other one, so that no matter how long someone *coughPRUSSIAcough* stands there picking the locks, he or she will be locking two.**

**Hah. Take that. Ow!...bloody hangovers. Ow...**

**

* * *

**

**Step one: **English trifles consist of many layers and are usually made in a clear bowl so that all the layers can be seen. Firstly, you will need some ladyfingers (which are actually these cookie things, not real fingers) and some sponge cake. You can buy ladyfingers at your local store.

Meanwhile, I will make some sponge cake. It is like real cake, but with sponge. So, add some sugar, flour, water, eggs...what else? Baking powder is a must, but baking soda is a good substitution. I guess that is all. Beat the entire thing to make some batter, and add bits of sponge, I guess, and you have a sponge cake! Leave the sponge bits big enough so you can still tell that it is sponge. I suggest using a sponge that has already been used for dishwashing and the like because dishwashing soap and leftover oils and such from dirty dishes combined will increase your magical ability.

Afterwards, bake the sponge cake in an oven for twenty to thirty minutes like all cakes and start on your pound cake. It is perfectly fine to use your plastic mixing bowl, because it will not melt in a hot oven.

**Step two: **Next is the pound cake. One must make a cake that weighs exactly one pound. Actually, it was originally called pound cake because of the ingredient proportions or whatnot, but that is irrelevant. So, sugar, flour, water, eggs, baking soda substitute, a random package of candies for flavor, and weigh it out to be slightly more than a pound, because the cake will lose some of its weight and density as it bakes in the oven. Since I still need this clear, glass mixing bowl for the trifle, I'll just stick it in a baking pan and let it bake with the sponge cake.

There is no need to clean the bowl, since America eats cake batter all the time like the glutton he is and never gets sick.

**Step three: **Since one does not want to burn the cakes, he or she must take it out early before it becomes a black, sopping mess. Excellent; the cakes have not burnt yet. They are still slightly oily and liquid like in the center, but take no heed of it. Line the bottom of your glass bowl with the ladyfingers and slices of the cakes. Make the layers thick enough so that you can actually see the layers, but thin enough so that there is room for the other layers. Also, distribute the ladyfingers, pound cake, and sponge cake evenly so that your relatives don't argue about which piece has more sponge cake or the like.

**Step four:** This is the most difficult part of making a trifle. Brush the layer of cakes with strawberry or raspberry preserves. People have DIED doing this, so an expert like I must do it. If you are attempting to make this at home, have a team of specially trained adults nearby so that you don't accidentally die in the kitchen, cold and alone, on the day after Christmas, attempting to make an English trifle. Wait - how did I cut myself? I'm nowhere near the knife drawer...grrrr...

*first aid*

Did you like the hold music? They were Christmas carols...a bit old, true, but nothing beats traditional songs, even if they are so old that they are still on a phonograph and a record and sound like a French donkey with a cold.

_Ve...what do French donkeys with colds sound like?_

I don't know...very terrible probably...wait, what are YOU doing here?

_I'm just visiting..._

How did you get IN? I locked all the doors and windows?

_The front door was open..._

It was? Blast.

_What are you doing?_

I'm cooking. Would you like to stay for the remainder of the time and be the first guest to sample my dish? Italy? Where'd he go? How does he run that fast? That's inhumanely possible...to break the sound barrier while running. Good thing my windows are not all broken. He's so easily scared, but I wonder what scared his arse away...and how did he even get in so quietly? He's always making unnecessary noise, sleeping, eating, drawing, or singing.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I was brushing fruit preserves over all of the ladyfingers, pound cake slices, and sponge cake slices. One should get a nice, thick layer of preserves on there, either strawberry, raspberry, or both, though any other sweet fruit preserves would do, I guess.

Oh, no...since America was such a glutton and ate all of my jam, jelly, and fruit preserves, I only have some orange marmalade left. I guess that will have to do. Orange marmalade is marmalade that is orange. Of course, it is made from oranges, also, but orange marmalade is mainly called that because it is orange.

**Step six: **Cut up some strawberries and raspberries, or, if you are in a dire situation where some fat American person stole all of your good food and left nothing but the rotten kidney pie that your uncivilised Scottish older brother sent you as a goodwill gift for Christmas and some random vegetables and packages of gum, use tomatoes. Tomatoes are fruit. They will work. They are also red, like strawberries and raspberries, and will therefore serve as a good substitute because of their similarity in colour.

**Step seven: **Scroll back up and realise that I left out step five, and feel stupid for not noticing that. If you did notice, good for you. Leave a review bragging that you have done so, which I will ignore because I do not care. If you didn't notice and reviewed saying that you did to cover up your feelings of stupidity, I shall laugh, because I can tell when you are lying, just like those lie detectors and Santa Claus and your parents and those creepy spy-interrogator-agent-government worker-whatever people that really scare me, creep me out, or all of the previously mentioned.

**Step eight: **Apologies for getting slightly off topic. In any event, now that one has the ladyfingers with pound cake and sponge cake layer, the preserves layer, and the fruit layer, add a layer of sherry, sugar, and cold custard.

**Step nine: **Repeat all of the stuff above, that has to do with layering. Add another layer of ladyfingers, pound cake, sponge cake, preserves (or orange marmalade), fruit (including tomatoes), sherry, sugar, and the cold custard.

**Step ten: **Create a final layer of cake pieces and ladyfingers. Brush with preserves and skip all of the fruit and sherry and sugar and simply add some more custard.

**Step eleven: **Top with whipped cream and some random garnishes like fruits, nuts. If you want to be creative, crush the ladyfingers, and cut up the rest of your pound cake and sponge cake into tiny little pieces (it is perfectly fine if the liquidy insides of the cakes spill out...I've done this a million times and nothing has ever happened). Mix these crumbs together, and sprinkle your homemade sprinkles on top of the whipped cream.

**Step twelve: **Refrigerate and leave it to set. Serve the trifle cold. Freezing is even better; if you have no room in the refrigerator, just leave the trifle in the freezer like I have. People love rock-hard food these days. Have you seen America's candies? Good god, eating those things are equivalent to chewing on gravel. My cooking is far superior to his.

* * *

******From the real author, not England. You don't have to read this, but it's pretty funny sh!t because I'm in a cynical and sarcastic yet whimsical mood, and would do you good.******

**Whatever. Blah blah blah. All of the random crud that fanfiction authors leave at the end of their works. Review. Favorite. Give me a story alert. Give me an author alert. Give me a bomb alert. Tell me when Russia is coming to visit. **

**Actually, I do appreciate reviews because they are fun to read.**

**Praise? Thank you. **

**Critique? Thanks, I'll work on that. **

**Responses to random stuff I threw in the story? Sure, glad you noticed that. Three subjects on the move: Why did Italy run away, did you notice me skip step five*, and what does a French donkey with a cold sound like?****

***England is like my cynical side, which doesn't care, but my nice side actually does care. So, if you will.**

****Best comparison, analogy, metaphor, or simile will receive a special prize, being nothing, and recognition in the next chapter.**

**New recip****e? Cool, I'll throw that suggestion in the stash of the three million other suggestions I already have, and the more you pester me with the same recipe, the more likely I'll remember it and attempt to make it. **

**Suggestion for another cameo? Sure, why not? That's one thing I'm kind of running low on, so if you would...**

**Troll? Now those really make my day. Sweet.**


	11. Ice Cream and Brownies

**Well, it's the new year! I was going to make another chapter to this lovely cookbook to upload on the first as a little gift, but then I was lazy - I mean, I was rather preoccupied with other, more pressing matters.**

**Anyway, today I'll be ice cream brownies, which is basically ice cream with a scoop of brownies on it - I mean, cream brownies with a scoop of ice on it - Ice cream, brownies with a mean of I scoop on it...Good god...BROWNIES WITH A SCOOP OF ICE CREAM ON IT! Who was messing with my notecards? It was you, wasn't it? That's not funny! Get back here, you - ! Stupid fanfiction authors. They have no respect for the characters and love to mess with them in every way possible. Crack pairings are the worst. Don't ask me how I know...I just...do...**

**

* * *

**

**Step one: **We will start with preheating the oven. To preheat your oven, turn the dial over to "preheat", right where that little line is. Then, press the temperature button things to the proper degree. Yes, the temperature button things. What else would you call them?

**Step two: **Grease a 20 centimeter square pan. That's about eight inches for Americans.

Ummm...where was I? Oh, right! Grease a 20 centimeter square pan. You can buy the spray things; I actually have some out in my garage right now, I think. Here it is. It's supposed to be black; don't worry.

**Step three: **Mix some butter, sugar, and vanilla together. Why is it all chunky?...oh, I forgot to melt it. It's fine; the butter will melt once it is in the oven anyway. After that, add some eggs and beat it well. The good, crunchy sound that results means that you are beating well, and you should continue like so for the next few minutes.

**Step four: **In a different bowl, stir together flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt. Just use a tiny bit of salt - a tiny bit! Who loosened the cap on my saltshaker?

Ah well, it shouldn't make much of a difference. In you go.

Actually, to cancel out salt, did you know that you can use ground pepper? Salt is white, and pepper is black, so they cancel each other out. So, in goes the pepper shaker as well.

_What? Did you really just say that?_

Germany, what are YOU doing here?

_Well, Italy ran off AGAIN...and I'm trying to find him before he gets into trouble. _

So, why are you here?

_France told me he was at your house..._

And you believed him?

_Well, I gave him a few good punches in the back of the head first._

Oh, okay. Wait, you punched France in the head?

_Well..._

It's okay, you may stay and look for Italy whenever you like. Come again soon!

...

**Step five: **Add the dry ingredients to the egg mixture. Beat wel until blended. The little black dots are just the bits of pepper, so that is nothing to worry about. Also, the chunky bits of butter floating on the top will melt later, so there should be no worry about that, either.

_Did you just say pepper? What are you making?_

Scroll up. It says "Brownies".

_Why would you put pepper in brownies?_

Because I put in too much salt by accident.

_What does that have to do with pepper?_

Pepper cancels out salt, you see. Pepper is black, and salt is white, so -

_NO! WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA? COLOUR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TASTE!_

It does too! I know what I'm doing! I'm a master in the culinary arts.

...

_You know what? Italy is still lost, so I think I'll go look for him right now. _

Oh, I see him! He's right there in that tree. After you get him out, you can join me later when these brownies are finished.

_What was that? You know, I'll go this way, in the wrong direction, to prolong my search for Italy and successfully avoid eating those brownies._

That's perfectly fine...Wait, WHAT?

**Step six: **At this point, you may add things to the brownies, to personalize them according to your taste, like chocolate chips, nuts, raisins, craisins, and creamed corn. It is a good idea to use all of these. It is a general rule that the more ingredients you use in a certain dish, the more delicious that dish will be.

That is the principle I use when cooking, anyway, and as one can clearly see from my creations, the rule works perfectly well.

**Step seven: **Pour the batter into the pan and spread it out evenly with a spatula. Unfortunately, my spatula has these rectangular holes cut into them for a rather odd reason that escapes me, as do many other spatulas, so I will simply try my best with this.

Now that your batter is in the pan, bake for 20-25 minutes or until the brownie mass is perfectly cooked through. You can test this by taking a skewer and sticking it in the middle of the pan. If you pull the skewer out and batter is still stuck to it, then the brownie overcooked and you should take it out of the oven. If you pull the skewer out and there is black dust sticking to it, that means that it is undercooked and you should let it cook for a longer time. At least, that's how I test it.

**Step eight: **While we are waiting for the brownies to cook, we will make the ice cream. Yes, I said, MAKE the ice cream. Why? Well, I had a tub of vanilla ice cream right here, but during the holiday seasons my house was continually raided by annoying Americans, thus resulting in all of my ice cream being eaten. So, we shall make do with what we have here, right now.

Fill a large Ziploc bag about half way full with ice. Afterwards, pour some salt into the ice. Actually, salt is supposed to melt ice, so I'll use rock salt, which lowers the temperature of ice. It shouldn't make a difference, really.

**Step nine: **Pour 240 mL of milk into a smaller Ziploc bag. Add about 40 mL of sugar. Then, add some vanilla flavoring. When you have done so, close the little bag and put it inside the big bag of ice.

**Step ten: **Close the large bag, and shake the bags for ten minutes, or until the milk mixture resembles something close to ice cream.

_Ten minutes later_

Well, there was a leak in my small bag which I didn't notice, so now the ice cream is leaking out into the ice...Oh, well. Ouch - my fingers are all black and blue, and I can't feel them. Oww...

Anyway, now that the "ice cream" is done...doesn't really look like ice cream; it looks like soup...I suppose I didn't shake the bags hard enough or something, but anyway...

**Step eleven: **Take the brownies out of the oven.

_sssssssssss_

Uh-oh...

* * *

**We shall choose this convenient opportunity for intermission, while England is at the hospital.**

**He forgot to put on oven mitts and now has third degree burns all over his palms.**

**Let this be a warning lesson to children everywhere.**

**Also, never put a fork in a power outlet.**

**Never put ANYTHING in a power outlet.**

**People have died doing the stupidest things ever.**

**Why Italy is not dead yet is a fact that is beyond my comprehension.**

**Have a nice day, for England is back.**

**

* * *

**

That's it, I think. Now, just scoop the ice cream out, and spoon out onto the brownies. A pity no one is around to try it. I wonder why.

* * *

**From the author:**

**Concerning the questions from the last chapter, someone answered that a French donkey with a cold sounds like Miley Cyrus. That answer has been disqualified, because that was extremely insulting to French donkeys with colds.**

**Once again, send me suggestions for cameos, recipes, and the answer to "What does a French donkey with a cold sound like?" **

**Also, did anyone else make a wish on 1/1/11? If you missed it, it's okay! There's still 1/11/11 and 11/1/11 and 11/11/11. That is, January 11, 2011, November 1, 2011, and November 11, 2011.**

**Finally, who is having trouble getting out of vacation mode, like me? **


	12. Shepherd's Pie

**To all:**

**My sincere apologies for this slow update. I am currently on the run from a large amount of strange, anime-obsessed girls who wish for nothing but certain favors...I don't understand why exactly they wish to do so, but that isn't the greatest issue as of now. It reminds me of a scene from one of my favourite movies, where this one knight is trapped in a castle named after a disease with a large amount of ladies in white dresses.**

**Likewise, I have barricaded myself in a library because these...children...seem to be allergic to good literature. **

**On a more positive note, I have the "winner" from the previous contest: A French donkey with a cold sounds like exactly like Francis when I release my cruel intentions upon him. Thank you, Val...Vald...Va...V...my supporter. Actually, that was terrible! It was completely uncreative, just like the teens of these days! However, it was the only entry not disqualified, because a lot of people made comparisons to certain annoying celebrities that I would rather not name, and the French donkey felt insulted. So. Shepherd's pie, shall we?**

**

* * *

**

**Step one: **Take some potatoes. Peel the potatoes, slice the potatoes, and dice the potatoes. Where did that tomato sauce come from...why is there tomato sauce on the potatoes? WHY IS THERE TOMATO SAUCE ON THE POTATOES, HUH? DOES THE AUTHOR OF THIS FANFICTION THINK THAT IT IS AMUSING TO PUT TOMATO SAUCE ON THESE LOVELY, UNWASHED (oops) POTATOES THAT I TOOK SO MUCH TIME CAREFULLY SLICING AND DICING THEM?

Apologies for the hysteria...It must be the cut on my finger...[CENSORED][CENSORED], I have a CUT on my FINGER! How disgusting! There will be a bloodstain all over my new shirt!

Heh...I guess I should wash the potatoes, huh? Oh, well, I'll do that later.

**Step two: **Boil your potatoes in salted water. Errrr...I had to do something with the potatoes first; I distinctly remember that, but _what_ I have to do escapes me. Ah, well, I can always tend to them later. Into the pot, the potatoes go.

The funny thing about boiled and baked potatoes is that they stay hot for a ridiculously long time; have you ever noticed that? You could leave a hot potato out for half an hour and it will still be warm when you get back to it. It's weird!

**Step three: **Stir-fry some onions in butter for about ten minutes. While one stir-fries onions, one must stir the onions, hence the term, "stir-fry." Do not stir more than you fry, though, because then it will be "stirs-fry". What, the logic does not make sense? Well, if it doesn't make sense to you, then I have nothing more to say.

If you wish to add vegetables, add all of the vegetables at the same time. Vegetables always cook at the same rate, so it is advisable to add the vegetables at the beginning. Overcooked vegetables actually taste delicious and have more nutritional value than raw vegetables...or was it the other way around? No matter, it makes little difference.

**Step four: **Add some lamb or mutton into the pan. There is no need to cut it, since one will be cutting up the entire pie later anyways.

By the way, you MUST use lamb or mutton because it is a SHEPHERD'S pie. As in, a person who herds SHEEP. These bloody Americans sometimes use beef in their cooking instead. Should one use beef, it would be called a COTTAGE PIE. Why? Because "Milkmaid's pie" sounds retarded, just like Americans. Seriously. They love ignoring extremely necessary letters (especially the "U") in their writing, while having an unknown fetish with the letter "Z," which is pronounced "zed," not "zee".

Not to mention, they hold their forks in the wrong hand and drive on the wrong side of the road!

Where was I again?

Oh, right...add a nice, hearty chunk of mutton into the pan *SMACK*

*_In the hospital*_

By the way, you shouldn't drop meat into a frying pan from up high because it will splash oil into your face and flip the pan over, thus spilling all of the previously mentioned ingredients onto you as well. This is so annoying; it will take months to get these oil stains out of my clothes.

Being stuck in a hospital is soooo boring. I mean, very boring. Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, 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very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, boring.

Does this sound like deja vu?

**Step five: **Now that we are home again, we can continue where we left off. There is no need to clean up any of that dried, caked up oil in the pan; as for the vegetables and meat, we can just scoop it back into the pan. It's perfectly fine if the meat has an odd smell with flies all over it. Sailors have been eating maggots for centuries. It's what gives them strength; there's a lot of extra protein! Believe me, I was a pirate once...although I didn't really know what protein was back then.

Anyway, stir fry the vegetables and meat.

Add some salt, pepper, and Worcesterchire sauce for flavour. Since I have no salt left, I suppose I shall have to substitute sugar, with some soy sauce, since soy sauce is a bit salty. Besides, I have to use it or else it will go bad. Afterwards, add some broth to keep the mixture moist. Here's a tricky shortcut: you can just add the entire vat of broth to keep in moist for the entire time, rather than adding it slowly. There's really no difference.

**Step six:** Now, for the mashed potatoes. The water has completely boiled away, and now the potatoes have exploded...ah...f***.

I mean, very good! That's exactly how one makes mashed potatoes! Now they're light and fluffy, and one can add some butter and salt to them! Exactly...ouch! They are very hot potatoes...and I burnt my hand on the pot...again.

See, I told you potatoes could stay hot for a very long time! I left them boiling on a stove for several weeks and they're still perfectly fine. Hah!

**Step seven: **Place the stir-fried mutton and vegetables into a dish, and cover with the mashed potatoes. Rough the surface up with a fork so that there will be peaks that brown nicely. I think I'll draw some pictures into the mashed potatoes, too! Haha...that's so cute...it looks like Flying Mint Bunny! And there's Alfred, like the -JERK- he is...and Unicorn!

Speaking of Unicorn, he's right there! Can't you see him?

No? You can't? SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER. You. ALL OF YOU.

**Step eight: **Finally, put the entire thing into the oven and wait for it to bake! Congratulations, you have finished your Shepherd's pie. It's a wonder you haven't died yet.

Isn't it amazing? This chapter, not one person has broken into my house!

_Jerk England!_

Wha-? WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

_I've been here the whole time! Just because you jerk tall people don't ever bother to look down! You'll see! One day, I'll be taller and bigger and stronger than the lot of you! Pspbttth!_

Wha- Get back here, you little brat! Did you just stick your tongue out at me?

_By the way, your thing is burning! You shouldn't put paper dishes into an oven..._

* * *

**Hi! Sorry for the slow update. I was being lazy. And I had a lot of homework and projects and stuff. Yeah...**

**By the way, I have nothing against Americans, because I am one, but England does. **

**Also, I made a reference to a movie in this chapter! If you figure out what movie, I will personally make you any food you want and send it over the internet. Not England. Me. I actually know how to cook, which is why I'm screwing around with the culinary arts online - I know how to butcher a recipe to make it funny. Also, I do so to piss off France. Ha! If you also include where the reference is, I'll add a bonus prize: you get to pick a cameo for the next chapter. Finally, if you include what scene in said movie, I'll send you a French flag to stick on your door so England doesn't go around to visit your house, asking you to try his food.**


	13. Churros and Guacamole Dip

**All right, I am REALLY behind on this...forgive me. Actually, many people have requested certain recipes, and I had to journey to far, far away lands over dangerous waters and through treacherous jungles to find it. I even faced an old rival, and was forced to battle him in search of the sacred piece of paper, hence my lateness.**

**Also, for the last chapter, several people were correct in answering the riddles, so they may choose a recipe. (I know I said "next chapter," but I meant the chapter(s) after this.) They are: caroline (anonymous), Hokuto Uchiha, and Darthduku. You may come and claim your prize.**

**What type of idiots come up with these crazy pen names anyway? Pfffft. The only person with a normal name didn't bother to capitalize. And "karatemaster101?" I know Germans mush their words together in a crazy fashion, but mushing English words together and adding in numbers as well? Kids these days have no respect for proper grammar and writing.**

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**Step one:** I've never tried churros, mainly since stupid Spain wouldn't share (which is why I went through that huge adventure to obtain the recipes in the first place), but that's perfectly fine for a master cook like me. Unfortunately, the paper was ripped in half while I was making my daring escape, and the last part is missing.

Luckily, I have the full churro recipe; there's simply a part at the bottom about some kind of dip for the finished churros which I am missing. That is not a problem, because everything can be found on the *INTERNET*!

Says America.

**Step two: **Ignore step one, which really had nothing to do with the recipe.

**Step three: **Pour water, butter, salt, and flour in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Since boiling will take to long, I guess I shall have to bring out the old magic kit and make time go faster!

_"O sanctus phasmatis, orior oriri ortus ex quattuor elementum. Terra, incendia, unda ,aer ,iunctum tempero valde libido of vicis. Dies irae, dies illa, solvet saeclum, en favilla, teste david cum sybilla! Vicis est mitis, permissum moment exsisto hora duodecim!"_

_*_LARGE EXPLOSION IN A CLOUD OF PURPLE SMOKE*

Whoops, wrong spell.

**Step four: **Now that our lovely mixture is boiling, we shall stir the...mixture until it congeals into into a ball.

It's not a perfect ball yet, so I guess I shall keep stirring.

And stirring.

And stirring.

And stirring. (x 10 to the fourth power)

Unfortunately, the mixture is still not exactly a ball, but it has already begun sticking to the bottom of the pot. Whenever something like this happens, simply add cold water, and it will become unstuck, like so -

**Step five: **Hey, do you know what four-letter word you never want to hear a surgeon say? "Oops!" Hahaha...

Apologies from the author: England is currently in the hospital, due to the fact that the water which he poured into the hot pot exploded in his face. He is slightly mentally unsettled due to the large amounts of sleeping gas that the hospital personnel have given him in order to safely operate on his face, which has been badly scarred and burnt from this incident. 

He should be home, completely healed and ready to continue cooking, after this short intermission has concluded.

Also, -

_iHola! I have come to Inglaterra's house in search of something that he took from me. ¿Do you know where it went?_

Sorry, if you'd actually tell me what you're looking for, I could help you find it.

_iWell, he robbed my house while wearing a medieval knight's costume and now my favorite churros recipe is missing! iWaaaah!_

It's okay, Espan~a, he's just borrowing it. I'll make sure he returns it later, after he finishes with it.

_¿What is he going to do with it?_

Well, he is going to teach this wonderful fandom how to cook.

_Ah, si, si. ¿Wait, what? ¿Did you just say he was going to teach others how to cook? iThis is a disaster! iWe must call the U.N.!_

I don't think the U.N. will want to waste their time on anything right now since they're really focused on finding illegal nuclear weapons and stuff.

_Ah, si, sen~orita, but in my opinion, it's pretty much the same thing._

Well, we can't stop anything right now. England's returning home as we speak, after a few...eh...difficulties, and the show must go on, so to speak. Besides, our readers will hate it if we break off in the middle of a chapter.

_I see. _

You're welcome to stay and watch, if you want. I need a cameo for this chapter.

_I'd rather not...actually, I changed my mind. I want to see Inglaterra cook. iThis should be very exciting!_

**Step six: **Well, this is the scariest thing I've come home to. Spain, please wipe that smile off your face. You're freaking me out.

But Spain always smiles in a happy manner! What's wrong with...oh.

_I'm just practicing being a conquistador again._

Anyway, I shall ignore him and continue. (Why did you let him in?)

(Because I felt like it. Don't let us interrupt you. Continue, good sir.)

Hmmph.

**Step seven:** Once again, ignore that last step, which had nothing to do with the rest of the recipe. Quite unfortunately, there is a large rip in the middle of the paper, and a step seems to be missing. But no matter, for one step shall not make much of a difference. Now that we have the ball of dough, we have to fry it! Oil in the pan, pan on stove, and let it sizzle.

Oh dear, I missed a step. Before that, one must beat some eggs until they are smooth, then stir them slowly into the mixture.

*krntch krntch*

This will take a while to make it smooth. Maybe I should use a blender.

*ka-chink WHOOSH krntch krntch WHOOSH fzzzzzz ka-chink BALOOP fzzzzzz*

_¿Are eggs supposed to be crunchy?_

Of course they are! If they weren't crunchy and hard, they'd break and all future baby chicks would die and hens would become extinct. Or, if they could evolve quickly enough into something else before extinction, then they'd be saved, although that's highly unlikely.

_Ah, bueno. (Something tells me that this isn't the first time he's done this.)_

(Well, you're absolutely correct.)

_(I never liked him anyway.)_

*krntch krntch*

**Step eight:** Now, we just pour the beaten eggs into the frying dough mixture. It shouldn't change the churro-thingos much because fried eggs are fried eggs everywhere, no matter how you cook them.

I supppose these are churros. How do you eat this huge lump of egg-dough? I should check to make sure that they're completely cooked, like any careful cook. I wouldn't want my guests to suffer from food poisoning! A good way to make sure is to cook for a few minutes longer than something is supposed to cook.

It may burn a little, but being burnt a little is better than being undercooked.

I remember a final test! The Italies said that to check if pasta is completely cooked, throw it at a wall and see if it sticks. If it sticks, that means that it's completely cooked.

This time, I'm wearing gloves, because being burnt is not fun.

(Also, because England burning himself when he cooks is getting to be an overused joke.)

Good god, this is extremely slippery! It's so oily. I should squeeze the oil out over the basin.

*SPLAT*

Ugh, it's sticking to the walls of the basin, but there's nothing wrong with that. The Italies said that if pasta sticks to a wall, it's completely cooked, and churros are exactly the same thing.

**Step nine: **Roll the churros through cinnamon and sugar. I can't find my sugar bowl, but here's a cylindrical can with the label "sodium chlorate." Well, since sodium chloride is salt, sodium chlorate must be sugar.

_Inglaterra, I don't think that's...Actually, bueno, go on. iYou are doing fantastic! iI bet those poofy sleeves you rolled up could hold lots of candies!_

You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?

**Step ten: **Now, all hispanic foods usually come with a dip, so you can serve it with salsa or guacamole! To make salsa, stick some tomatoes in a blender and put on high for about five minutes. To make guacamole, add some avocadoes to the mix. Unlike lemons, avocadoes cannot be substituted with durian fruits, so we will have to use normal avocadoes. Mind you, these avocado pits are just about as poisonous as peach pits, so don't try to put them in your poison potions. They don't work.

_¿Isn't this a cooking class, not a poison teaching class? iI think that's highly violent and dangerous!_

Relax, you're too nice. It's why I kicked your butt. Besides, I'm not teaching them how to make poison, I'm telling them how NOT to make poison.

_You have a point. Fa'ntastico, go on. And you didn't "kick my butt," God was simply angry and sent a storm to destroy my fleet._

Yeah, yeah, that "trick of God" crud doesn't even work for France.

**Step eleven: **Spread the guacamole dip over your churro thing, and voila, you are done! Would you like to try some, Spain?

_No, but you still owe me an Armada._

LIES!

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**Note: Sodium chlorate is NOT sugar, though since England said it was sugar, you can probably deduce that it isn't sugar anyway. **

**By the way, if you were curious, sodium chlorate is a white, crystalline powder that easily dissolves in water. It is used in many herbicides. **

**These little "author's challenges" will start being common, just to see if you were paying attention. This chapter, there is a reference to a somewhat famous piece of music in here, so try figuring out where it is and what it's from. I would be really impressed if you did, and there are technically two answers. (Hint: Austria would be very pleased if you figured it out also.)**

**¿Finally, don't you just LOVE my Spanish grammar?******


	14. Pagash Pierogi

**Hello again...**

**I apologize for not updating in over a year...but that was because Artemis Fowl hacked into my bank account and stole everything...INCLUDING THE RECIPES! **

**It took this long to sort everything out and there are still complications left (damn you, you Irish child geniuses) so you will have to wait for a few months before the next recipe.**

**But NOT TO WORRY! Because now I present to you...Pagash Pierogi. Also known as Polish Pizza. From Hokuto Uchiha, who answered the last riddle correctly and has been forced to wait for OVER A YEAR to claim her prize because SOMEBODY finds hacking into bank accounts an AMUSING pasttime.**

**P.S. PrussianAwesomeness won the last challenge...the spell was from Mozart's Requiem. So congrats to you and go annoy Austria now.**

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**Step one: **All of these international recipes are REALLY getting to my head. I've never even heard of Pagash Pierogi. What the hell. It sounds really weird. But then again, so is -

_Like, hello!_

Oh, look who's here. Seriously, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE!

_Well, GOSH. You don't have to, like, be so rude about it. Can't someone like, just walk into someone else's like, house when they want to? OMG, it should totally, like, be written down in the rulebooks or something. I mean, it's already like, in the Poland's Rulebook, but no one ever reads it, not even Liet, and he has to play chess with me all the time! You'd think he'd learn. Actually, like, he doesn't play chess with me anymore. It's totally weird, you know? And sad._

Whatever. I don't really care, Poland. Now will you _please _GET OUT so I can run my cooking show in peace, please -

_WHOA, you like, have your own cooking show! That is like, totally -_

I swear, if you say "like" one more time I'm going to kill you.

_Well that was totally mean!_

Same goes for "totally" and any variant of "Oh my god."

_So no "oh my gosh" or "oh my golly gosh" or "OMG" or "OMGG" or -_

Yes.

_So I CAN go "oh my gosh" or "oh my golly gosh" or "OMG" or "OMGG" or -_

No, I mean you CAN'T do that. Any of that.

_Well, that is SO not cool! And what are you trying to make, anyway? Pagash Pierogi? That's not even legit Pagash Pierogi! _

I haven't even started yet, and I would have started already if you didn't interrupt me and bother me like this!

_'Kay, fine. Whatever. I'm going to look for Liet now. See ya! Bye~!_

**Step two: **What an idiot. Right, now, where was I?

Oh, yes. First, I must saute the onion in butter or margarine until translucent and golden. So, here is my onion, and here is my butter or margarine. Actually, I don't have any onions left so I am going to substitute turnips instead. After all, they look similar enough. And...what are these? Tulip bulbs? Well, since they look like miniature onions, they should do fine as well. In you go.

Why isn't anything happening?...

OH...I forgot to turn on the stove. Silly me. But, that is the point - you now can see what not to do. I meant for that to happen!

Why is nothing turning translucent and golden? Oh...it says here you must peel and dice the onion first. Well, why didn't they put that in the instructions, where it should be? Oh, well. The bulbs are already cooking, so I suppose I shall have to cut them while they're in the pan -

*WHACK*

*FWOOP*

*CLANG*

AHHH! MY FACE! MY FACE! OH, THE HORROR! OH, THE PAIN! OH, THE AGONY! GAHHHHHH!

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***~*England is in the hospital again*~***

**So, while we are waiting, let us think about how overused this joke about England doing something stupid with the stove, a pot, or a pan and ending up in the hospital, AGAIN. I mean, the only joke that is possibly more overused than England burning himself is England cutting himself. Not in an emo way. **

**"Holy reused joke on a fanfiction!"**

**England is now out of the hospital. I think he got a discount or something - the nurses there know him pretty well by now.**

***~*Back to the story*~***

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**Step three: **Now that I have sauted the onions - well, turnips and tulip bulbs, actually, but that hardly matters - if they look the same they should taste the same is my golden rule. Anyway, I must now stir the mixture into mashed potatoes along with cheddar cheese.

It's a good job I still have some mashed potatoes left over from the Shepherd's Pie recipe all those chapters back from last year. I mean, sure, there's a few colorful fuzzy growths sprouting all over the top but that's okay. It means that there will be more flavor.

I don't have a lot left, though, so I suppose I should make a little bit more. I don't have any potatoes, either, because America stole them all to make his stupid french fries after Germany stopped giving him his potatoes (why he has to use mine, I don't know, because he produces enough in the state of Idaho alone to feed his entire nation...and he had the silliest excuses, too. I forgot what they were, but they were pretty silly. Anyway, France was laughing his silly arse off so it's a sign that it must have been stupid. I wasn't sure if he had been laughing at America or me at first but it has got to be America since I would never be that silly.)

Anyway, I suppose I can make some extra mashed potatoes using the leftover tulip bulbs and turnips. No big deal. They both grow underground so they have the same nutrients. Into the mixing bowl you go.

Oh, silly me. I forgot to wash them. Oh, well. Baking will kill all the bacteria anyway. They are in the same bowl as the sauted onions/turnips/tulip bulbs but mashing it all up won't make a difference because they're going on the pizza all the same.

*mash mash mash*

Oh, dear, what a mess. Now it's gone all over the wall. It's fine, though. I'll just use my trusty metal spatula to scrape it off. It looks as though some of the paint chips on the wall have stuck to the mixture and been scraped off along with it, which is just as well, because it adds flavor. Simply delectable.

As for the cheddar cheese, I don't have any left. But you know what a good substitute is? That's right, expired milk. Because cheese is made from curdled milk. So I don't think there is any harm in putting some expired milk in to replace the cheddar, right? Oh, and this one has already gone chunky. Even better.

**Step four: **Refrigerate the mixture to let the flavors meld.

Hmm...my refrigerator is kind of packed. Why are there socks in here? America, did you put your socks in here? It must be America's socks. They're red with lightning bolts. Only America would wear those socks.

_Actually, like, it was Louis Sachar._

Poland! What are you doing back here? I thought I told you to leave, didn't I?

_Nope, can't say you did. I just like, went off to look for Liet, but I couldn't find him. So, have you started yet?_

Yes, and I must say, it's going rather well.

_Why are there fuzzy green chunks in that bowl? EWWW! That's like totally disgusting! Throw it out throw it out throw it out!_

Why should I? It adds flavor.

_You know what? I think I'll just go home and eat cookies and play with Pony._

What an odd fellow.

Anyway, where was I before I was so _rudely _interrupted? Ah, yes. Refrigerating this amazing concoction of mine. Since I have no room I suppose I shall have to squeeze it right here under the tub of month-old yogurt. There is a crack in the bottom of the plastic container but it shouldn't matter.

**Step five: **Preheat oven to 400°. That means Celsius degrees. I think. Or they could be Kelvins. Or Rankines. I think I'll go with Celsius degrees.

**Step six: **Spread pizza crusts with potato mixture.

Pizza crusts? What pizza crusts? Damn, I forgot about those. I suppose I shall just have to make them myself. Let's see...well, an expert like me doesn't need recipes. I'll just make the pizza crust from scratch and remember as much as I can.

You need flour...and water...and oil...I remember that much. Hmm...I think that you're supposed to just add everything into the bowl at once. Why is it so sticky? I should add more water. Aww, now it's all mushy. Let's see...a lot of salt should do the trick. Salt cancels out water. I remember that much from my days as a pirate. But since we put in a lot of salt, we should put in a lot of pepper to cancel that out since white and black are opposites and pepper cancels out salt. And, as we all know, color is a definite determinant in taste. I think I've mentioned that before.

I don't have any pepper, though. I ran out. I know, though - sugar and salt are opposites, too. I think I've mentioned this, too, but since sodium chloride is salt, sodium chlorate must be sugar. In you go.

Let's see...it's still a bit grainy. I'll just stick this in the blender to make it smoother.

Now the blender is broken. Therefore, I must painstakingly scrape the mixture out with a spatula - coincidentally, the same spatula I used on the turnips/tulip bulb mixture when I was trying to scrape it off the wall. Oh, look, there are still a few paint chips stuck to it. Perfect!

**Step seven: **All right, the pizza crust looks good enough. Now I must spread them with the potato mixture.

Oh, dear...some of the yogurt has leaked from the plastic bin into the potato mixture. I see some more fuzzy and slimy growths have accompanied it. Fantastic. Onto the pizza crust you go. It's a bit mushy, see, but that's fine.

After that, I shall top them with more of the expired milk because I don't have any cheese of any sort left.

**Step eight: **Now I must bake until the shells are cooked and the cheese is melted. At 400 degrees Celsius of course. Because there is no other temperature scale that makes sense.

**Step nine: **The Pagash Pierogi has come out slightly blackened on this end, and somewhat chunky on that end, but that's okay. I don't expect you to get it perfect on your first try, either; not even an expert like me could do it. So it's fine.

Honestly, I swear!

Now who wants to try my concoction?

What? No? But I haven't even blown up anything! Look, my house is still perfectly intact! What do you mean you don't want to - ? Well, of all the insulting things to say. I guess I'll just eat this myself.

Mmmm. Now that is what I call delicious.

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_In a land...far...far...away..._

_Like, Pony, I just don't get it. Why is Liet hiding from me?_

_*Whinny!*_

_..._

_OH! I totally get it now! He was hiding from, like, England and his cooking! I wonder why he hasn' gotten, like, food poisoning by now. He's USED to it? But who could be used to, like, THAT? I mean, he managed to, like, ruin Pierogi! It TOTALLY wasn't even Pierogi anymore! I mean, everyone knows legit Pierogi has like, potatoes and stuff. But no, he used, like, turnips. And tulip bulbs. Heck, even I like, know those things are poisonous. Liet told me that once, and I was like, no way! And he was like, yes way! And I was like, no way, prove it! So he gave them to England, and said that if England uses them in his cooking, it's got to be poisonous! And I was like, wow, Liet, you are SUCH a genius! So, anyway, England goes and like, puts them in his fridge, and I'm like, oh my god, Liet was right! And today he like, tried to use them in his cooking, and now I KNOW that they're poison! Like, I'm such a smarticle, right?_

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**A/N: I really am so sorry for not updating in so, so, so long. Another project has caught my attention (_King of Serpents_, an Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter crossover, so please go check it out). It's my first actual serious story, not a oneshot or this series of episodes that really have no interconnecting plot. I returned to this because, well, I felt kind of bad for abandoning it after rereading it one day and finding it kind of funny. **

**Besides that, _King of Serpents_ is turning out to be a more serious novel than I expected and I kind of need a short break. I'm still keeping my 1-3 week update for that story but you can expect me to return to _England's Amazing Cookbook _every four weeks or so. It's just recreation for me...it cheers me up when I'm bored and I need something to laugh at.**

**Anyway, keep sending me recipes and suggestions for cameos. **


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